Missing: Motivation

*I was and still kind of am hesitant to post this

REAL TALK 

The last couple of weeks i have had absolutely no motivation do to anything, and its really starting to depress me and worry me. It's a cruel cycle.

I'm not the only one who has started noticing a difference in my personality, my moods, and my desire or enthusiasm to do anything, my mum is also starting to get concerned. I don't want her to have to worry about me like that. I want to be a happy, healthy, fun teenager, i just don't know how to get there. 

Now, I'm not very good at telling people how i feel, or what's going on in my life, I'm a very shy and quiet person when it comes to meeting new people or sharing my personal problems. ( If my friends are reading this they are probably thinking: what are you talking about Bee?, you are the most open and crazy person we know.) And yeah i am open and crazy around my closest friends, but i don't really tell them the personal personal stuff because i don't know how too. I only really tell them the superficial stuff like; clothes, music, concerts and bands i love, but not the real stuff.  In fact i don't tell people, not even my mum, whats wrong because i don't know whats wrong with me. So i guess thats why I'm ranting to you all, whether you read it or not, i feel like I'm getting something (i don't know what) off my chest. 

I work 3 afternoons a week and i feel like in my mind, I've somehow told my self i can't really or don't want to do anything else during the week. Yet i want to go out and do fun things and see places, but i just can't be bothered. 

Im not going to lie i have put on a bit of weight and i want to loose it more than anything but i just don't have enough motivation. And i don't know what it's going to take to get me motivated. 

I know for a fact that i shouldn't be feeling like this, because if i look at my life; i've actually got it pretty sweet. 

1. I'm healthy

2. I have a loving Family

3. I have a beautiful warm comfortable home

4. I have a couple of incredible friends

5. I have a blog, that i love 

6. I have a part time job

7. I got accepted into a University for second semester (i deferred until next year but i still got accepted)

8. I have been and get to travel to amazing places all over the world

When i look at that i think, i should be so happy. So why am i not? 

I think i have come up with two reasons why I'm feeling like this... 

Numbers 6 and 7don't sit right with me.  #6 - I wanted a job within Fashion retail, and that turned out harder than i thought it would be, so I'm nannying. Which is okay, because I'm making money, but it's not really what i want to be doing.

#7 - I am not at all a school person. Never was, and don't think i ever will be. It just wasn't for me. So i had it set in my mind that i didn't want to go to University, i just wanted to have a Gap Year and get a job and work from there. ( Not the best plan, i know)  and now that I've got a place in a Uni, i feel good, but i still don't think i want to do it. If you didn't know, i am obsessed with music, like it literally rules my life, and i love that. Music IS my life. And i don't tell a lot of people this, but i sing, and I've always wanted to be a singer, but i have always been to scared, shy and not confident enough. Which really bugs me, because that is my dream and i want to be able to follow it and not care what people think, but that's just not who i am, no matter how badly i want to be. So thats the direction I've always seen my life going in, ever since i was 13. I have always pictured my self travelling all around the world performing in arenas to thousands of people (Ironic huh, as I'm shy? but i want to perform in front of thousands?) with everyone singing my own music back to me. Just thinking about it gives me goose bumps. I just have know idea how to go about it. If not singing then definitely something in the music industry or fashion amongst the music industry, if that makes sense?

So i feel like my mind is being stubborn and will not be okay with me doing anything else, but singing or music/fashion something. Maybe this is way i am in this motivational slump, because i subconsciously know that these things are not the things i want to be doing with my life. And with the music industry i feel like i am running out of time. 

Sh**t this just got so deep. Apologies.
So maybe i just solved my own dilemma? Thats why i sometimes like to write about this kind of stuff. 

But i still don't know what to do. 

If any of you are going through a similar feeling or have been before, please tell me in the comments how you managed to get out of this mind set? 

All the Love 

Bee xx

P.s Sorry about the lack of posts lately. 

Follow me on Instagram @beesturrock